Does This Blog Make Me Look Phat?

Giggity

2011-01-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

Obviously, I've been a fat mofo for quite a while. This blog is the bastard stepchild of a blog I started back in July 2005 to document my fight against my fatty fatty two-by-four nature. A fight that continues, my fine friends.

I hit my highest weight EVER in December 2010 (or the highest recorded weight, that is--it doesn't count if it's not documented) when I entered a weight loss competition with some of my coworkers. Sadly, I lost (blame it on the fact that we started in December; blame it on the fact that I was in New Orleans constantly the eight weeks we tracked our shit; blame it on the rain, yeah yeah; blame it on the ah ah ah ah alcohol baby).

I lost a WHOPPING 10.5 pounds. Boo. Hiss.

Fast forward to June 2010...my coworker (now my boss) decided she needed some motivation to shed a few pounds before her trip to Italy, so she kicked off a Biggest Loser Part Deux in the office. Eight weeks. Eight contestants. $800 on the line. (I'm a shitty story teller, so I'll just blurt out the fact that I handily won that bitch).

Imagine my surprise when I weighed LESS at the start of this comp than I did at the END of the last? By almost 10 pounds. W00T! I have no idea how it happened, as I wasn't really dieting. I slacked off a LOT since then (for a few reasons that I'll get into in a sec), but now that the holidays are over, I'm back to being a diet and exercise Nazi as of 1/3/2011. I'm down about 5 pounds since then and I think I'm off to a good start.

You want in? You know you do...here are some of the tools that I've been using. They seem to work for me:

Myfitnesspal.com--I started using this site because they had a decent iPhone app (and yes, I'm back to the iPhone--the 3GS is like a bajillionty times better than Android) that made tracking my food super easy. I've sadly discovered that unless I'm crazy ass OCD about tracking what I eat (and talking about it incessently with Laurie), I start to drift off into picking up breakfast tacos on the way to work; eating double bacon cheeseburgers at lunch; "snacking" on a McDouble AND a fucking McChicken on the way home BEFORE dinner YOU SAD FAT MOTHER FUCKER. In the few months I've used it, they iPhone app has been updated to be even more user friendly. I've tried a couple of other apps (like Sparkpeople) but they are as slow as a stoned turtle fucking.
Runkeeper (iPhone app)--I had planned on running a few days a week to build up to a 5K, but then I not only pulled my right hamstring (Octoberish?), I pulled the left a few weeks later and THEN did something to my left Achilles Tendon (or possibly fractured my left heel bone--can't say for sure, because I still haven't gone to the doctor, but I'm leaning towards a strained AT). while using a mother fucking jump rope of all things Runkeeper is the fucking bomb for tracking that shit, with integrated GPS that feeds into a map. What I like about Runkeeper is that you can also use it to track bike routes too.
Muscleandstrength.com--Great website to learn about fitness and nutrition (but take everything you read with a grain of salt, especially in the forms). Lots of example videos, which is helpful when you're trying a new split and you have no fucking idea what a Pec Dec Fly is.
ExRx.net--another great site to with tons of exercise examples.
Digital Kitchen Scale--get one. You need it. Seriously.
Jack3d--The label calls it a "pre-exercise CNS-Carnosine-ATP Augmentor". It's a pre-exercise supplement with creatine (rebuild muscles faster) that increases nitric oxide levels (pumping up your muscles) and doubles as an energy drink (much like crack or meth--the shit is potent, yo).
Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Whey Protein (Rocky Road flavor)--I am so mother fucking tired of this flavor. Ugh. I'm getting strawberry next time. Whey protein is a must if you're going to do any strength training. Drink a shake within 30 minutes of completing your workout--again, helps the muscles rebuild faster. I stick with whey only right now since I'm trying to lose weight, but there are other types of proteins out there that are digested more slowly that I'll add when I get into some type of maintenance mode.

I fucked around after August (and the injuries in October screwed up my fitness shit for a couple of months) and gained a few pounds back. Since June 1, I'm down 30 pounds...starting with my 12/2010 weight, I'm down 49 pounds.

I'm still a fat mofo, but not as bad as I was (and not as MUCH as I thought). The trainer at our work gym did a body fat caliper test on me in November and based on that, I'm actually at the tail end of the "normal" range with 22% body fat.. My pants beg to differ, but I'll take what I can get.

Bleeding Me

2010-01-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

Why am I such a technology whore? I fucking LOVE it. Computers, TVs, Blu-ray players, handheld devices, shit with wires, shit with LEDs, 802.11G & N & Wimax & LTE, air cooled with fins, heatsinks cooled with flourescent liquids, liquid crystal displays. If it's got the juice running in it, I WANT IT ALL.

Consequently, I gots lots of bills that are generated as a result of my love of the integrated circuit.

I was reading an article in Gizmodo over the three-day weekend (The Subscription War: You're Bleeding to Death) and was interested in seeing how my stuff stacked up to the "norm"

Holy shit.

Some of these are annual fees that I'm showing amortized over twelve months (Flickr, domain names, Xbox live, magazines). Sweet baby Jesus, I'm spending over $5,500 a year on subscription entertainment services. This doesn't count the cash I spend on music (a few hundred a year?), spur of the moment PPV movies/Blockbuster runs, trips to the movie theaters (again, a few hundred a year--a trip for a family of four to a flick is not an inexpensive proposition).

What can I do to stop the bleeding? My biggest monthly expense is Verizon Fios, which has my land line phone (and unlimited long distance), my Internet (20 Mbps symmetrical), & my TV service (a brazillian channels, including HBO/Cinemax/Showtime/TMC/Starz/Encore/etc).

My first step is seeing what I can live without from Verizon:

1a) Land line phone

The only time I personally use the home phone is when I'm passing it over to my wife or kids when I get stuck answering the phone. (Quick aside: why the fuck do I have to answer the phone? It's never for me, yet 75% of the time, I'm the one that has to get my fat ass out of my chair and grab it off the wall). All my friends call me on my cell. Most of the time, my wife uses HER cell. We could lose the land line and drop $50 off the bill.

My biggest hurdle is that my alarm monitoring is done over the land line. I could change that to cellular monitoring OR switch to a VoIP service (like Vonage) and do a bit of wiring magic to have it feed into the whole house through the existing wires.

1b) Decrease my Internet service speed to a slower bandwidth. The 20Mbps service currently runs me $61 a month after my "bundled discount"

1c) Kill some of the extraneous channels. Do I REALLY need 73 premium movie channels (NOT counting the HD channels)? I pay an extra $29.99 a month for those.

Apparently I DO need all those channels and I need a FASTER Internet service and I'm too lazy to do a five minute wiring job because instead of killing my services, I signed up for MORE when I hit Verizon's website yesterday. Under a two year contract. Sigh.

Here's what I have now. Same phone service, I now have a 35Mbps symmetrical Internet service, and a new channel package that has an EXTRA movie channel (EpixHD).

But I saved $18 a month by signing up for it! And I got 3 months of free movie channels! I got more for less! Yes! Fuck!

Alright, let's try something else.

Cellphones: $130 a month. I can't shave anything off of that. The $130 a month is for my G1 (including text & data), Laurie's phone (including texts), & Evan's phone. This bill will only INCREASE. Sometime in the next couple of months, I'm putting Laurie onto some type of smartphone (most likely moving her over to AT&T for an iPhone [$80+ a month]). Evan is getting to the point where he's texting his friends (need to add a texting plan for HIM). I'm sure Chloe will soon want a phone. Ok, scratch that one.

Netflix: $17 a month. Actually that one just went up to $17 a month from $9 because I changed to the two-disk a month plan with Blu-ray (can't watch NORMAL dvds now that I have a Blu-ray player. Posh. The intent is to stop getting shit from Redbox & Blockbuster. This will save me money. I swear.

Tivo: $17 (it's slightly less than that, more like $15 with taxes). In THEORY I could lose the tivo and replace it with a DVR from Verizon, but it's the same price and I like the functionality of the Tivo. I could actually roll my own DVR and use XBMC, but I'd have cough up the cash upfront to build a HTPC. I'd lose my On Demand stuff in the bedroom, but gain Netflix streaming, Hulu, website streaming, etc. Hmmm, that sounds fun. That's a big "maybe" sometime soon.

Xbox Live: $5 (that's slightly higher because I forgot to add Evan's account). Have to have this for Netflix streaming on my big screen and killing zombies with my friends over the Internet.

Flickr: $2 ($24.95/year). Easiest way to share pics with friends & family; easiest triple backup of my pictures (which are also backed up on my ipod and my online backup set). Nope, can't do it.

Domain names: $2 ($20 a year). $10 a year X 2 for my email domain & Laurie's too. This may increase when my free service on my photography blog dies next year. I like that domain name too much to get rid of it (http://www.littleretard.com/blog), so this will probably triple next year.

Online backup: $5. Shut your mouth. This $5 a month is the only thing that stands between my balls and Laurie's scissors if our PC ever dies. Can you imagine how much stuff a teacher keeps on her home PC? She'd have to start from scratch at the end of a three month summer break and that ain't happening.

Kid's games: $5. Webkinz are to Chloe what computers are to me. That's all I gots to say about that.

Audible.com: $15. I pay $15 a month for one audiobook per month (on top of the free ones I download from the library). This $15 assures my sanity in the 45 minute to 1 hour commute ONE WAY from Sachse to downtown Dallas. This $15 also assures the life of many individuals who share 75 Central with me. Without me being entertained by my books, I would cut a bitch every day. NOTE: This was a trade off from my "old" entertainment of Sirius.

Magazines: $10. This may be a somewhat conservative estimate. Laurie gets People, Soap Opera Digest, & US Weekly (which needs to be renewed). I get D Magazine & Wired, but I never pay more than $10 a year for mine. You want to tell Laurie she can't get her gossip? Me neither.

Newspaper: $29. Are you fucking kidding me, DMN? $29 a month for the fucking paper? I've tried to kill this, but Laurie is a newspaper fiend. I wish she'd get with the times and get her news off the Internet like I do, but whatchugonnado?

Man, I'm thoroughly fucked. I'm not willing to part with any of this. In fact, it's only going to go up.

Next Topic: The box full of surveillance equipment in my garage that I want to install on my house and why my wife won't let me.

Harder Than Chinese Arithmetic

2010-01-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

So last night was yet another reminder of how big of a stubborn dumbass I am.

It's 8:30pm and Evan comes into the living room with tears of frustration welling in his eyes. He's been working on a make-up quiz for TWO HOURS. And he's still on problem one.

Evan's a pretty sharp kid (he took the SATs last month and scored in the 40th percentile of graduating seniors--what, what) and is in AP math. It's a quiz on similar triangles and all of the background info was covered when he was out of school due to the dreaded pig flu. But, he has a intuitive grasp of things, so his blind flailing into figuring this shit out was pretty much the same as mine. But he got stuck because he didn't know that proportions were the key to figure out the size of the bigger triangle.

Basically, here's the problem:

Triangle VTC ~ Triangle VWY

How big is line WY?

WTF? I don't think I EVER had math like this. The most advanced math class I had was high school geometry 20 years ago. Granted, I'm sure I was high the whole time, but I don't remember ever doing this type of shit. But, I do remember the Pythagorean Theorem (one of the few things college era THC & years of alcohol abuse haven't scrubbed from my dying brain, so here's how I attacked the problem.

1) If the two triangles are similar, then if I can figure out the size of the small one, I can back into the big one.

2) I have the length of two sides of a triangle. Using a2+b2=c2, I should be able to get the length of the third.

So I start my dumbassery with

(40*40)+(25*25)=(c*c)

1600+625=c2

C2=2,225

Squareroot of 2,225 is 41.169905, round that bitch down to 41.2.

OK. If these triangles are similar, than I can use what I have to figure out the rest. If I divide line VZ by the total length VY, that will give me it's proportion to the whole line! (38.4615%). Once I have that, I can divide line segment VT (47.2) by that figure to get the rest of line TW (75.39). Add those together and that's the hypotenuse of triangle VWY. I can THEN do the following:

a2+104 squared=122.6 squared.
a2+10,816=15,030.8
15030.8-10816=a2
4214.8=a2
get the square root and voila, the answer is that line segment WY is 64.9.

Yay, me...I'm so smart!

Yeah, right. Here's why I'm dumb:

It took 30 minutes to get to that solution. It aggravated the shit out of me because I wasn't feeling good about the process. It was TOO long and involved and the fractional answer was leaving a bad taste in my mouth (TWSS).

Google failed me when searching for hints on how to do this shit last night (but for some reason EVERY link I could find today was perfect), but I epic failed by not remembering that Evan could view his math book online.

I should have figured that there's a much simpler way to do this. There's no way the 7th grade math teacher would have them doing this if it required a calculator (which you'd need to get the square roots).

We move on to problem two, which is the old "You're 5 feet tall and have a 12 foot shadow. The flagpole's shadow is 32 feet tall. How tall is the flagpole" question.

Shit. We should have started there first, because once I googled that and took a look, we hit pay dirt. Pay dirt that takes literally 30 seconds to solve the problem.

Here's how using the first example:

1) Setup a ratio equation using the known numbers
40/104 (the length of VZ [your shadow] over the length of VY [the flagpole shadow]) is equal to 25/x (the length of TZ [your height] over WY [flagpole height]). From there, it's basic cross multiplication to get the answer.

40 25
--- = -----
104 x

40x=2600

40x = 2600
---- ------
40 40

x=65

Sigh.

So, if Google fails you and brings you here, that's how you do it. Here are some really good Math sites I found today (when Google decided to allow me the privilege of seeing them) that are even better. I'm sure the folks that wrote them aren't retards like me.

http://www.mathopenref.com/similartriangles.html
http://www.aaamath.com/rat-prop-crossx.htm

Be happy that I totally fucked that shit up, because it gave me a reason to actually post something to this wasteland of a blog. It's been over TEN fucking years since my first posting in my "online diary" back in the 20th century. My, how time flies. But even though it's 2010, the cars STILL don't. I want my money back, bitch.

Things are going great for me. I still dig my job. I just had my 14th anniversary with Laurie. Evan turns 13 in a couple of months (jesus) and Chloe just turned 9. Still live in the same house. Still drive the same automobile. I went to New Orleans a bajillion times last year. Went to FL for vacation. Went to Vegas in October. Was GOING to go to NY last month, but airfare skyrocketed and I couldn't afford it. I'm still bald and still fat.

Ha...now that we've moved on to me, I've lost interest in writing. How droll.

I'm sure I'll be posting more in the near future, as I'm about to embark on a historic nine trillionth diet at the beginning of February (once I get checked out by my ass loving doctor). It will be EPIC.

I Need Your Money, Bitches!

2009-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm stealing the text below from my buddy Lance because that mother fucker is leading our team in donations. We're up to $1500, but we want to bring in a shitload more. Help me, mother fuckers!

-----------------------------------------

I have decided to join a global movement that is bringing much needed attention to cancers that affect men. I'm doing this by growing a Moustache this Movember, the month formerly known as November. My commitment is to grow a moustache all November and I am hoping that you will support my efforts by making a donation. The funds raised go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the Lance Armstrong Foundation (LIVESTRONG).

What many people don't know is that 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime and testicular cancer is the most common cancer in men aged 18-35. Facts like these have convinced me I should get involved.

To make a donation, you can either:

* Click this link http://us.movember.com/mospace/355596/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account , or
* Write a check payable to 'Movember Foundation', referencing my Registration Number 355596 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726.

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

The Prostate Cancer Foundation will use the money raised by Movember to fund research to find better treatments and a cure for prostate cancer.

The Lance Armstrong Foundation will use the money raised by Movember to fund:

* The LIVESTRONG Young Adult Alliance program which has the goal of improving survival rates and quality of life for young adults with cancer between the ages of 15 and 40.
* Research initiatives to further understand the biology of adolescent and young adult cancers.

For more details on how the funds raised from previous campaigns have been used and the impact Movember is having please go to http://us.movember.com/mospace/355596/

Laaazzzzyyyy

2009-07-14T13:48:00.001-07:00

I was going to post something new, but I'm so fucking lazy I can't even motivate myself to do it. How is it that I had multiple posts on the same day for so long back in the days of "Diary of a Fatman"?

Maybe it's all the time I wasted on the boards and on Twitter. I blow my humor load in 140 characters or less (much like my literal load in 120 seconds or less).

Maybe I'll write something tonight. Laurie is out of town for three days. I'll try to fit something in between the violent bouts of masturbation.

Tata.

G1 vs iPhone Review

2009-04-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

Until it died a miserable death in New Orleans, I had been using a secondhand iPhone that I bought from my coworker last fall. I LOVED that phone. The whole cult of Apple thing annoys the shit out of me, but I drank about half a cup of Steve Jobs flavored Kool-Aid once I started using my iPhone.

I tried to get a new iPhone via a swap at the Apple Store, but the phone had been out of warranty for FOUR months. I could have paid $199 to replace it with another 2nd gen phone, but I was really interested in upgrading to a 3g phone. My problem: I wasn't an AT&T customer and I was only six months in on two-year contract with T-Mobile.

I debated buying a 3G for $199, paying the activation, cancelling, and then eating the early termination fee of $250, but there was no way my wife would be OK with me dropping almost $500 for a phone.

Once I made that decision, there was really only one other choice that could get me even close to the capabilities of the iPhone: the G1.

I bought the G1 last week from T-Mobile for $97.97 (a price match with Wal-Mart) by adding a third line to my account for Evan. He's been using a prepaid T-Mobile account for a while and I'm probably averaging close to that in prepaid minutes. We put the phone and data plan ($24.95 per month for 3g Internet & 400 text messages) on my number. I don't have an exact total yet, but my total bill will be around $110 a month for three lines.

Technical Specs

iPhone:
Size and weight
Height: 4.5 inches (115.5 mm)
Width: 2.4 inches (62.1 mm)
Depth: 0.48 inch (12.3 mm)
Weight: 4.7 ounces (133 grams)
Display: 3.5 inches (diagonal) 480X320 resolution @163ppi

G1:
Height: 4.6 inches (117.7 mm)
Width: 2.16 inches (55.7 mm)
Depth: 0.62 inches (17.1 mm)
Weight: 5.6 ounces (158 grams)
Display: 3.2 inches (diagonal) 320X480 resolution

All of my comments should be prefaced with this: if you've never had an iPhone, you'll without a doubt, love the G1. If I had started on the G1, I would have never wanted an iPhone.

Display/Touchscreen

Although .3 of an inch doesn't sound like much, it seems like a lot when you're looking at the screen, especially when watching videos in landscape mode (which is the ONLY mode you can watch videos in on the iPhone. That said, the G1's display is more than adequate for watching videos, streaming YouTube vids, or general web browsing.

There's a lot of hype surrounding the iPhone's multitouch capability, but it's miraculous qualities are a bunch of marketing crap. Yes, the pinch and stretch feature is useful when surfing the web, but I really don't miss it. Both the default browser in the G1 and Steel (which is a free download from the Android Market) do a great job of easily zooming in and scrolling around pages that are too large to display on one screen. Opera Mini does NOT do well with it. I downloaded, installed, and kicked it to the fucking curb all within 30 minutes.

The sensitivity on the G1 is slightly kludgy. I'm fairly certain it's a software issue, as some apps are better than others in recognizing where you are touching. As Android and it's related apps mature, I think (and hope) that this will improve

The winner on the display is the iPhone by a SMIDGE.

User Interface

The iPhone user interface is pretty fucking sweet, but after using Android for a week, I think it's much better.

1) You can have apps run in the background. This is awesome for things like Twitter (using Twidroid as the Interface), Facebook (FBook--we'll get to that later), Calendar items, etc. With those items running in the background, you can actually get notifications up in the top toolbar. When an email comes in, I get a "@" symbol, when a new Tweet comes in, I get a little robot, with Facebook, you get the F square icon. You can then touch the top toolbar and drag it down to see the notification and launch the app. I have a Calendar app that puts your upcoming appointments in the dragged down section of the toolbar so that it's always easily available.

As I stated earlier, the touchscreen is a little flaky, but once you get accustomed to the flakiness (mmm, biscuits) it's easy to get around. There are three desktop views (similar to the ones on the iPhone). You can dock apps on those screens and switch screens with a swipe of your finger. You can also set bookmarks on the desktop (for frequently used sites) and also add folders (I'm assuming for categorizing apps).

In addition, there's a dock at the bottom (the square with a triangle). If you touch that dock, it will open and show you all the apps installed on your phone.

If you want to move something, just press and hold it for a couple of seconds, you'll hear a beep and feel a little buzz (that's what she said) and you can move the icon around (even from the docked folder to a home desktop).

NOW, I really like the trackball. The first day it took a little getting used to. It's awesome for scrolling down webpages (especially Google Reader). There are a ton of non-intuitive things that you can do, so if you buy a G1, hit the web for tips (like clicking the alt key before using it to make it move faster, among others).

My only hardware bitch is that the camera button is hard to press, even if the keyboard isn't open (why yes, yes this does have REAL keyboard). Thankfully, once the Camera app is launched, you can use the trackball to take a pic. Another issue is that it takes a few seconds to take the pic because the camera (3.2 megapixels) actually has a focus mechanism that is engaged prior to snapping the picture. But, it takes pretty decent looking pics.

The keyboard is pretty decent too. I have big, fat fingers and haven't had a lot of problems adjusting to typing on the small keys. From my experience playing around with my sister-in-law's Blackberry, the G1's keys are bigger and have a better feel. Compared to the virtual keyboard on the iPhone, the G1 is like heaven. It IS slightly annoying, however, to have to open the keyboard when you're in portrait mode and just want to type in a URL. Steel is cool for that, as it also includes a virtual keyboard for just that occasion. The newest version of the Android OS (aka Cupcake) is supposed to address that and make that available at all times.

Call Quality

It's pretty much a tie. I really don't notice any difference in the quality of voice calls.

Data Speeds

My G1 is faster than the iPhone, but I went from a 2nd gen iPhone (Edge) to a 3g phone. My cubicle-mate has a 3g iPhone and I'll do a side by side test once she gets back in the office to compare speeds.

Apps

As fucking annoying and douchey as the iPhone app commercials are, they really do have an app for everything (explosive diarrhea? There's an app for it). Android gets beat the fuck up in a head to head battle. The Android store is still in it's infancy, so I hope that improves as more hardware companies turn to Android for the OS.

Here are the apps that I used constantly and miss: Mint*, Chase Mobile*, Yelp*, Amazon.com*, Zynga Poker, Facebook**.
*Can use a browser based workaround on G1, but it's not as good
**Similar app on G1, but it sucks balls

There are several apps that I didn't have on the iPhone that rock (particularly Barcode Scanner), but overall the Android Market is stinky like feta.

Battery Life

Good lord, if you had told me there was a device even WORSE than the iPhone when it came to battery life, I would have called you a pinche mentirosa. But there is...the battery life on the G1 is a fucking JOKE. The only positive is that you can actually GET to the battery, but I usually have to throw it on a charge around 3pm with modest usage. Sure, you can kill wifi, location awareness, GPS, data syncing, etc, but those are the things that make the phone fucking cool. Thankfully, you can charge via a USB connection, so I just plug it in to my PC at work to give it a refresh in the afternoon. God help you if you are ever on the road and don't have a mobile charger.

Other

Yes, the G1 plays music. Yes, the headphones are proprietary too! Memory is expandable to 16Gb via SDHC cards. It doesn't support Flash either (yet).

Things to Get

Apps: Twidroid (twitter), Fbook (sucks, but not as bad as the full-on mobile interface), Steel (web browser), Sky Map (fucking AMAZING app that uses GPS, location awareness, & the accelerometer to show you astronomical data), Useful Switchers (allows you to toggle on/off Gps, Wifi, Location, etc), Ringroid (turns MP3s into ringtones), Quick Calendar (puts your appointments in the taskbar)

Other: Invisible Shield-excellent cover for your screen. Be careful when you apply it!

Overall, I'm really please with the G1. It took a week of using it to really appreciate the things it does better than the iPhone, which offsets the things it still lacks.

The G1 gets a B. If they can fix the battery drain and get some better apps, I'll be a happy end user.

Buzzball

2009-01-27T09:00:00.001-08:00

"At the heart of the Buzzball is a dual motor configuration, enabling the pilot to control the motion and direction of travel via left and right control triggers, which provides power to the driving wheels.

The amount of power applied to each wheel will determine the direction the Buzzball moves. Powering one wheel will spin the pod and pilot on it's axis around the inside of the ball changing the direction of travel. If power is applied equally to both wheels the pod will rear up as the wheels climb up the face of the ball forcing the ball to rotate around the pod and powering the Buzzball forward..."

Must. Have. Now.

Party Like a Mock Star

2008-12-31T11:26:00.000-08:00

Another year has ROCKETED by. Time is a cruel bitch when you get older. It always seemed to drag on in my youth, but now that I've hit middle age, it's a greasy pig that I can't wrap my arms around.

Laurie and I were talking about what we're doing with the cars when they're paid off. I think her Explorer will finally be paid off next year, mine not until 2012. I mentioned that I was going to hold on to my Focus and give it to Evan, not realizing actually how close that is. He'll be old enough to drive in just over four years. Even more immediate is the fact that he's going to be a teenager in just over a year.

How the fuck did that happen? It's seems like it was just a short time ago that he was the little baby pissing and puking all over me at the drop of a hat.

Although there were some craptacular moments this year (Chloe getting infected with crypto [like she's some kind of fucking third worlder or something], cancelling the summer vacation because we had to pay off a lawsuit, the little misunderstanding in March that almost ended my marriage), 2008 was a damn fine year in our household.

2009 will be a year of the fat wallet. Financially, we're doing better than ever. 2009 will be even more so with me getting an almost 8% raise. If things work out, I hope to get a grade increase too, which would be another $10K a year. Now I just need to get a reign on our expenses because we piss our money away like, uhm, piss. Hence the term, piss away.

2009 will be the year that I drop all the weight I gained over the last three years. In 2005, I lost almost 60 pounds. When I got sick and quit running (and started eating like Kirstie Alley at her most voracious), I gained over 80 fucking pounds. 80. Eight. Zero. I started dieting a two weeks ago and I'm down about 10, even with the slacking over Christmas (and all the boozing). There are 8 people in my office that have all thrown $100 in the pot and we're having a Biggest Loser contest. Whoever looses the highest percentage of weight gets the pot. Hello flatscreen TV when I win.

2009 will be a year of more traveling. We had planned on starting back the annual trip to Panama City Beach again in 08, but we were derailed by those douche drinking cock monkeys at Capital One (choke on my money, fucknuts). We also had planned on taking the kids back to Colorado, but instead we spent my 35th birthday living it up in Vegas. In 2009, the plans are: January: I'm working 11 days in New Orleans and Laurie is coming out for the first weekend to hang out and partay; June(ish): 1 week in Florida; October/November: 3-5 Nights in Vegas (no kiddos); Christmas: New York City (get a rope). Mix in a few weekends in Shreveport and or Austin/San Antonio/Houston and you got yourself a lot of travel.

2009 will be a year of more business travel. Man, that's a beating. In 2008, I spent a little over 60 days traveling. I'm starting the year out in New Orleans from the 9th until the 20th. And that's just for one job...I have seven other relocations that are going to be ramping up next year, so I anticipate a LOT of time drinking Abitas and eating crawfish in New Orleans (Gretna & Covington), Houma, New Iberia, Lake Charles, Natchitoches, & Minden next year. The upside of all the traveling is that several of my personal trips are done using free airfare and I make a shitload of money in overtime. In 2008, that came out to a cool ten gees.

2009 will be a year of more partying. I think both Laurie and I are hitting our midlife crises. Now that the kids are a little older and we have a couple of friends, we're drinking a little more (at least she is, I've been boozing it up for a while) and socializing more. Now if I can only talk her into some fishbowl parties, then I'm set like Boba Fett.

So, unless somebody dies, 2009 should rock the hizzouse. However, it will be coming in with a whisper since we have no plans tonight. Our usual social buddies are in NM visiting relatives, so we're just going to sit around the house tonight. I think my in-laws are coming over to play Scene It Box Office on the Xbox360 (thanks, Santa!) I'm sure I'll drink a few tasty beverages and pop a few tasty pills...but there's a distinct possibility that I'll be zzz'ing out by 11pm.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good night.

Irrational Fears

2008-11-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

1) Closing my eyes in the shower. I'm always afraid that when I'm done washing my face and head, that the freaky-walk chick from The Ring is going to be six inches away from my face.

2) Eating lunchmeat/deli meat when the package has been open for more than 3-4 days. In my head, I understand that it's probably good for WEEKS with all of the shit they put in it, but I'll toss out a whole package of meat if it's not gone in a couple of days.

3) Having an alligator and/or snake climb up through the sewers and bite my ballsack whilst I'm sitting on the toilet. I don't believe the pain could be totally offset by the coolness of having teabagged a reptile.

4) Midday phone calls from my wife. My heart starts pounding and my mind races. "What the fuck did she find?" I'm 99.99% certain that I'm not doing anything wrong, but that .01% fucks with my mind. What if I'm downloading Asian Piss Porn in my sleep?

This is why I love Fark.com

2008-10-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

My Kids Rawk

2008-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

This is why my kids rock. Chloe scored at the 99th percentile in her reading. She's reading at a 5th year, 8th month level (pretty much at the beginning of 6th grade). She's in her second month of 2nd grade. Yay, Chloe!

OMFG I Want This As A Shirt

2008-09-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

After over a decade as a Republican, I'm ready for a change.

I HAVE to have this as a shirt.

Nine Inch Nails

2008-08-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

I forgot to upload my vid from the NIN concert I went the week before last. What a great show! One of the best concerts I've ever been to.

Proliferation of Port

2008-08-27T14:45:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't below how fucking prolific TMKOASC and I have been with the movie titles. I can't believe that we're both grown men doing this type of shit.

Meat Beat Street
Goofellas
Irrational Pleasure
On The Twat or Cunt
Shaved Private Parts
The Pour Of The Hoses
College Ho Trip
Kneel of Creams
An Ass Rinse Of Alice
Silent Rimming
Cumming to America
The Cum Shootist
Licking & I
Greasy Rider
A Fisttool Of Hollers
The Porn Ultimatum
Taint Your Waggin
In the Cunt
The Bobber Of Seville
The Bank (and by Bank, I mean HAND) Job
Open Strange
Titty of Angels
The Tool Of Defile
Rocky's Whore Licked Aunt Flo
Romancing The Bone
The Ass Raping of Jesse James by the Pervert Robert Ford
The Cumslinger
It Came Up on a Real Tight Queer
The Jizz Flinger
The Lord of the Little Brown Rings
Cum Lola, Cum
Pretty In Pink...Volume 24
All Over Eve
Slow Rinse Of A Labia
Apollo's 11 Inches
Through The Tight Ring
The Hunt for Red Cock's Over
Sticky Member Semen
Uncle Fuck
The Tight Muff
V for Vagina
An American In Paris...Hilton
High Poon
A Fisting Full of Dollars
Attack Of The Bones
All About Summer's Eve
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter Gave Me Head
Ball Street
Spooged
The Red Vag of Courage
My Giant Cock
My Left Nut
WatchmemasturbateMen
Cum Flew Over The Hooker's Breast
Dude, Where's My Cock?
All The President's Ten
The Mirror Has Two Faces...To Cum On
Goolander
The Whole Nine Inches
Double Dong Indemnity
Against All Bods
Poon Raider
Snappy Fillmore
The Cockman Prophecies
Batman And Robblen

One of my new favorite bands

2008-08-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sixx A.M is pretty fucking good. Check'em out at here.

2008-08-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

This is one of greatest things I've ever seen in my life.

Yep, Hoss. You're not mistaken. That is indeed a genuine STERLING SILVER ring that has not one, not TWO, but THREE Stainless Banners.

If that ain't enough for you, check it out. On one side, there's crossed swords. On the other, crossed rifles! Both with CSA hats! Yeehaw.

"Hold history in your hands and wear with pride, a dramatic jewelry exclusive that pays tribute to the Civil War and those who served the south..."

You had me with the crossed rifles, but how the fuck can I pass this up since it has "Pride of the South" ingraved on the inside? What? I can buy it with only THREE easy payments of $33? Are you shittin' me?

I wonder if it will match my hood.

Sproing!

2008-08-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I just popped a nerdy boner.

Yes, that is a floppy drive motor playing Darth Vader's theme.

Firsties!

2008-08-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

This is my new blog. Much like my old one, it probably won't be updated all that often.

If you're visiting from the old blog, you've seen the name TMKOASC many times before. For any new visitors , The Man Known Only As Sir Cumference is a douchebag that I became friends with back when I was working for the Deathstar. I've known OF him for about 14 years and been friends with him for about 10 years.

Over the past week or so, we've been appending all email traffic to/fro with porno versions of movies. Hopefully he's not cheating, but I'm just coming up with these off the top of my head. I'm haven't used any that I've heard of before (e.g. Buffy the Vampire Layer, Shaving Ryan's Privates, Forrest Hump).

For your reading pleasure, I present the fruit of the minds of two middle-aged men who's combined IQ is more than my weight (he's currently in Mensa; I was too, but quit paying my $56--who's the smarter one now, fucktard!)--[let's see if anyone catches the irony of that last sentence--I started laughing when I realized what I did].

Pippi Long-Cocking
Cheek & Dong's Nice Dream
The Jizz Singer
And Jism For All
The Apple Dumpling Gangbang
Anal Knowledge
I Cum In Peace
A Cockwork Oral
Pump Up the Volume of Semen in Her Mouth
Mr. Smith Goes Down on Mrs. Washington
Enema Mine
Pounding Miss Daisy
The Licker of Knobs
Honey, I Blew the Kids
Jack'n the Mean Stalk
Anal-ize This
Sperms of Endearment
Pee Wee's Big Tent Pitcher
Across The Lips Now
Bi-Hard
8 Heads in a Rough Old Hag
No Cuntry for Old Men
The Rear Hunter
Plump Friction
American Booty
Citizen Cock
All that Jizz
RammedBone
Midnight Plowboy
Robble Without a Cause